It’s Time to Get on the Crypto Train. Let’s Catch You Up!

If you’ve been near the internet recently, you’ve likely seen an account with a monkey avatar or a white guy with a buzzcut preaching about the end of the internet as we know it. Web3 is the talk of the town, and as it’s ramped up one sentiment has been echoed over and over again - “Figure it out or get left in the dust, because we don’t have time to explain it to you.”

Don’t worry, these evangelists who are about to save us all from concentrated tyranny are not being rude because they look down on you. Rather, the nonsensical jargon they use serves an important purpose - to make the entire technology seem absurdly complicated, and therefore more exciting to you once you finally spend 4 hours on a Sunday researching it instead of writing a sociology paper. By that time you’ll be far too exhausted to critique it.

After you’ve done your due diligence, It’ll be easy to get your own converts caught up in the technical details and gloss over the fact that these “currencies” are actually volatile speculative assets. But hey, tomAto tomAHto. When it’s the enthusiasm around the token that provides it value, your excitement and fervor on twitter is as good as gold to those suckers. That'll surely never fade (or pop in spectacular fashion)!

Why go through the work? Because web3 will finally allow you to OWN things online (we know - exactly what you were asking for). All you’ll have to do is use your crypto wallet to purchase your name on the top of some decentralized ledger, and then pray that the very centralized site that hosts “your” art doesn’t accidentally delete that magical JPEG or, god-forbid, get hacked.

Again, no need to worry, because the majority of hackers will have no reason to steal your little monkey image when the possibility of just gaining access to your wallet is that much more profitable. So as web3 grows, remember that one false move with a phishing email or while inputting your private key could mean all your funds disappear instantly! Some may call it a dumb design, but we like to think of it as survival of the most technologically fit. Will this exacerbate inequalities? Huh,,, I hadn’t really thought that far.

Ok, 1) take care of your private key at all costs, 2) invest in exciting new decentralized projects, 3) generate profits like a keen technical prince. Pretty much! But also remember that crypto spaces are so completely decentralized that the federal government currently has no ability to protect you from fraudulent schemes. While it’s exciting to be your own little venture capital team, remember that web3 not only makes being the next Elizabeth Homes remarkably easy, but also surprisingly legal! So if your money disappears after buying into a project with a very professional slide deck and website, just remember this is a structural problem and in no way your fault.

On the other hand, if you want to become part of an exciting new web3 initiative, there are all kinds of great DAOs or Decentralized Autonomous Organizations that you can be a part of. All you have to do is join a Discord server and put in the minimum amount of work (defined by the leaders of the decentralized organization) before you can start getting paid. Most likely your work will be compensated with one-of-a-kind NFTs from the project itself, the value of which will be determined by how well the project turns out. Does this incentivize you to work hard, probably… Does it ensure that any kind of burnout, regard for mental health, or stalling will be aggressively frowned upon? Yea, yea most likely.

But just wait because there are so many beautiful physical and philosophical aspects of web3 we haven’t even touched on! Ethereum - The Infinite World Computer. How much more exciting does it get? Write a program and have it autonomously executed on many different nodes across a giant network (that’s new right?). Every time you initiate a transaction between two web3 entities you also obtain the knowledge that thousands of computers all over the world were endlessly idling in a competition to facilitate that translation, a process that last year created more carbon emissions than all of Argentina. It’s thrilling! You’re a part of a global initiative! To do the opposite of solving climate change!

However, the most exciting part of the rise of web3 is its ability to completely obfuscate all well accepted problems with the internet - poor governance and moderation - and replace those conversations with futile ones about digital ownership. You might say, damn the power to completely rewrite contemporary discussions regarding what the most talented engineers in the world do makes me really horny, but how does that help? Again, Do. Not. Worry.

Web3 isn’t just something that will trick you into thinking you’re being liberated. Actually, it’s become a way for billionaires and tech bros in their twenties feeling threatened by the end of free market dominance to create a whole new space where regulators and redistributive efforts will never touch them. At the end of neoliberalism, tech companies have expanded the scope of where capital exists and thereby expanded where their privilege resides - in the metaverse, in web3! You can’t tell them they don’t deserve this, they built it! With the money they got from working at Facebook and Google!

So if you’re a fan of Elon “The Memelord” Musk and Big Daddy Bezos and support the endeavor to codify their wealth and privilege forever, make sure you support the web3 ideology. After all, crypto currencies are pretty cool, and definitely not something that we collectively say ‘nah’ to.