There’s a reason marketing agents consistently point to Nike and Apple commercials as the pinnacle of modern-day influence campaigns. These giants know the best ways to pull at your heart strings and get you off your feet. Apple’s latest commercial, which invited customers to imagine their own death in excruciating detail, was a powerful move and something I hope they’ll take further in the future.
The commercial replays the voices of three customers speaking to 911 over their apple watches - one blown out to sea while paddle boarding, one at the bottom of a well with a broken leg, and the other in a car filled with water. The combination paints a picture we’re all completely unfamiliar with, but for some reason are now intensely sure of: that our lives are constantly in danger, and only luxury surveillance technology is poised to save us.
Think of all the ways that you could die tomorrow - car crash, paper shredding incident, accidentally poisoned by a toddler - these are all real possibilities, some of them more visceral than others. Cabinet falling over on you. House fire caused by personal heater. Stray dog with rabies attack. Roomba malfunction. The more you think, the more terrified you can make yourself. And for good reason! This is DEATH we’re talking about. Do you want to DIE? NO!
And that’s why I’m glad Apple has started this important tech sales endeavor. Now I can rest assured knowing that a bunch of 26 year old marketing consultants are busy at work envisioning the top 10-20 most visceral causes of my death so that I don’t have to. I’m now guaranteed to have not missed some other more miserable, possible scenario because the free market’s got their best people on it.
With the emotional stress of constantly envisioning my death off my own shoulders, it’s only natural that I’d offload any responsibility for avoiding that death to the same people. That’s why I trust luxury surveillance makers and their infallible tech - because all of their intrusions are well worth the unlikely scenarios they create in my brain. Take my money, take it. I’m a free boy, free from worry and free from death. It’s a perfect combo.
In the future, I only hope that their intrusions go further, to not only prevent my death, but prevent any and all preconditions for my death. If I’m not eating healthily - please alert an authority. If I smoke a cigarette - please call my mother in law. Accountability is not only essential for creating healthy habits, but also for creating good, consumerist habits. If the powers that be tell me the only thing capable of curbing my sloth is sold by/reports back to Apple, so be it. They’re a Multi-TRILLION DOLLAR company, you’re gonna tell me they don’t know what they’re doing…? Phooey. Give me two watches.
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